4 Ways Parents Can Harm Their Children

Key points

• Punishment as a parenting strategy simply doesn’t work and is psychologically harmful to the child.
• Overly indulgent parents and those who over-parent may raise children who lack self-control and initiative.
• Research shows that authoritative parenting, encouraging independence but setting boundaries, is best.

Parents play the most significant role in of a child’s development. Early life experiences are critical in the development of psychologically healthy individuals (Ramos et al., 2022). Decades of research show the harm that negative parenting behaviors can inflict on children and can point the way to more positive, productive parenting.

Here are the four types of parenting behaviors/styles to avoid:

Punitive Parenting. Authoritarian parenting is characterized by strict adherence to rules and exerting much control and domination over the child. It is the use of punishment, however, that is particularly harmful. Children of punitive parents develop negative emotions like fear, anger, and guilt.

Living under the threat of punishment and pain can cause stress and is related to later psychological problems. Moreover, punishment doesn’t work to get kids to engage in desirable behaviors. Children learn to “get away with bad behavior,” which can lead to rage and resentment. Children raised by parents who punish tend to become punitive parents themselves, extending the negative cycle to the next generation.

Helicopter Parenting. Parents who intensely monitor their children’s behavior and hover over them are known as “helicopter parents.” The parent swoops in and makes decisions for the child. They are overprotective and tend to “over-parent”-not allowing the child to make decisions and act independently.

Our research (Liu et al., 2019) suggests that helicopter parenting hurts a child’s leadership potential, and there is evidence that it leads to low self-esteem in children and a tendency to stifle their initiative and to over-rely on parents for direction.

Hands-Off Parenting. An “anything goes” parenting attitude can range from neglectful parents to overly indulgent parents, giving in to the child’s every whim. Neglectful parents let video games and TV do all the babysitting. This leads to children who have trouble following rules because there have been none.

Children of neglectful parents tend to lack self-control and may have communication skill deficits. Children whose parents spoil them by never saying “no” also develop poor self-control and a sense of entitlement. As adults, their relationships with others may be one-sided: all take and no give.

Inconsistent Parenting. Parents who are inconsistent in their parenting-sometimes responsive, warm, and providing support, but other times cold and insensitive-send a child mixed signals. This can result in insecurity and an overly anxious child (and eventual adult). In many instances, children of inconsistent parents show that same pattern of inconsistency-alternating being warm and cold-in their adult interpersonal relationships.

What’s Best?

The gold standard for parenting is what’s known as “authoritative parenting.” Authoritative parents encourage independence but also set boundaries. Discipline is applied, but it is supportive and non-punitive. Over time, authoritarian parents will give children increasing autonomy. This leads to self-control, a sense of self-reliance, and healthy social skills.

Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.