Why Couples Should Coordinate Their Body Language

Key points

• Nonverbal synchronization has an important, positive impact on romantic relationship quality.
• Being “in sync” when it comes to touch, gestures, and emotional expressions can lead to greater intimacy.
• Because body language is not a true language, it is important for couples to speak verbally about their body language preferences.

Although body language is not a true “language,” learning how to communicate nonverbally is critical to healthy, lasting relationships. Much research on nonverbal communication focuses on the importance of expressing felt emotions to a partner (and the partner’s ability to “decode” and understand those emotions). Yet, partners also need to coordinate their body language — to get their nonverbal communication “in sync.”

Let me give you a simple example: When romantic partners sleep, they may have different preferences. Some individuals might prefer being intertwined with their romantic partner. Others might like to sleep more “solo,” without much (or any) physical contact. If partners differ in terms of their sleep “body language,” they need to develop some sleep rules to avoid potential conflict.

Even greetings between a couple need to be synchronized. Some partners might want a kiss when they meet, others might hug, or simply smile and nod. If one partner desires a more intimate greeting, it is important to coordinate.

In a recent chapter on nonverbal communication in romantic relationships, Ivy and Gleason (2022) suggest: “Touch is a key non-verbal cue in any relationship, but it is arguably the most important form of non-verbal communication in a romantic relationship.” Another example of coordinating touch is preference for the use of what nonverbal communication researchers call “tie signs”-nonverbal cues that suggest that a couple is intimate and connected-such as holding hands while walking, putting an arm over the other’s shoulder, or standing in very close proximity. Again, the preferences of the partners regarding tie signs need to be worked out.

There is evidence that body language synchronization-being nonverbally “in sync” with one’s partner-leads to greater feelings of intimacy. For example, in studies, couples who moved in sync with each other-synchronized footsteps, gestures, even breathing patterns-felt closer to their romantic partners than couples whose body language was “out of sync.” (Sharon-David, et al., 2017).

Our own research suggests that when it comes to nonverbal communication it helps for couples to appropriately regulate and control their nonverbal behavior for the sake of the relationship. For example, if one partner is emotionally effusive, while the other is highly sensitive to strong emotional expressions, it can create a body language mismatch that can affect the quality of the relationship.

Importantly, getting a couple’s body language coordinated and in sync requires talking it out. In other words, verbal language and body language need to work together.

Originally published at https://www.psychologytoday.com.